Legalised Torture

SAMSUNGThe other evening a friend of mine suggested that I went for a sports massage after I complained about tender tendons and aching hamstrings. ‘What a wonderful idea’ I thought. ‘ I can class that as marathon training without doing any running’.  I booked an appointment at Lingfield Osteopathic Clinic with a nice sounding young man called Adam.  I had a massage once before on a Hen weekend.   A pretty lady in a pastel uniform had pummelled me gently in a room filled with scented candles and soft music as I drifted in and out of consciousness for an hour.

Adam was a nice, fit young man, just as I had imagined.  He ushered me into a treatment room and asked all the usual questions about exercise and injuries etc.  ‘Pop on the couch’ he said.  I did willingly, just getting ready for an hour’s relaxation in the middle of a busy day…  ‘You do know this is going to Hurt don’t you?’  He asked with a sadistic grin. ‘Hurt??’  I was about to have a quick snooze.  Then he started… I have never experienced such agony, well not since childbirth. He poked, pummelled and squeezed my legs as I literally howled in pain and let out more than a few swear words. ‘Is this room sound proofed?’ I screamed as he attacked my iliotibial bands with vigour.  Crikey, the pain was so intense I ended up with my fist in my mouth. ‘What on earth will that Old Dear in the waiting room think when she hears this?  I sure hope she picks up her stick and hobbles off before she is subjected to such torture.’ At one point I burst into hysterical laughter.  ‘That’s an unusual reaction’ grinned satanic Adam.  Well actually, considering I was about to punch him in the face and leap off the couch it seemed pretty tame to me.  Finally the hour was up…  I could hardly walk out of the treatment room, and when I did, my red and puffy face was stared at by at least 5 senior citizens in the corridor waiting for the chiropodist. ‘That’ll be £45’ said the efficient receptionist. As I wrote the cheque I was most relieved to learn that Adam’s last name was ‘Hooker’.  I had been muttering something that rhymed quite closely with that for the last hour.  ‘Do you want to book again?’… Well I did, for two week’s time, as I mumbled ‘no gain without pain.’

I am running the New York Marathon 2013 for Macmillan Cancer Support. If you are enjoying reading my blogs please donate at:


2 thoughts on “Legalised Torture

  1. Sarah Blake says:

    Just read this out aloud as we are all clearing supper, can hardly read it as laughing so much, even more so as Chris has an appointment tomorrow!!!!!!! Hope it was worth the agony! X

  2. Julia says:

    Love it love it – just sat giggling to myself at the family’s amusement. Know you will be even better than Trevor’s (small & legal other half!!) wildest expectations!!

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